I want my ex back but I have anxiety

Hi everyone.

TL;DR - I fucked it up with my ex because I had anxiety, but I’ve gotten better and hope it’s not too late to get her back.

Please read the full thing as it’s complicated.

I (22M) started dating my now ex girlfriend (19F) in February 2020. We dated for a year and a half. We live in the UK and dated long distance throughout covid and the multiple lockdowns - we’re 90 minutes drive from each other. When lockdown lifted in August 2021 I had a massive panic attack and completely broke down, and I very stupidly broke up with her whilst in panic mode - to this day it’s my biggest regret.

We stayed friends but we still had feelings for each other, and in February this year, I admitted that I still loved her and, even though it was still affecting me, I didn’t want my anxiety to get in the way anymore. We met up in a neutral spot halfway between our cities to see each other, and I had an amazing time. We laughed, held hands and kissed. When I got home again though, I still felt anxious and I didn’t know why. I knew I loved her, but I’ve had a lot of issues with family in the past (my dad left when I was 3 and my mum left when I was 18), and I just completely froze up. I had also started my first job after graduating from uni and was finding it hard. We eventually agreed that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Understandably, she was very upset and I felt incredibly guilty for hurting her twice. But I knew that I had to make a change if I was going to save or start back up any romantic relationship with her. So, for the next 8 months, I attended regular therapy sessions with two therapists, and started to change my priorities in life to become more self aware of my anxiety and stop it from getting out of control. We still continued to text every day and call a couple of times a week for about an hour each time, and still do to this day. My first set of sessions was a 4 month program which gave fortnightly sessions about CBT. I tried really hard and got to the end of the program but it was very impersonal and I started to look for a more person-centred therapist. Two months later, I found my second therapist. She explained that I was struggling with abandonment issues and that what happened was likely a defence mechanism to protect myself from being vulnerable and abandoned again, since she is the only person I feel that I have fully opened up to and trusted with my secrets and insecurities.

This realisation changed everything. I knew for a fact that I still wanted to be with her, even after all of this time (it’s been over 8 months since we tried again). I have considered moving on, but no one I have met makes me feel the way she does. I really feel like I have changed and although I still struggle with anxiety in some situations, I feel a lot more in control now. When I realised all of this, I cried in my car for an hour and a half. It finally felt like I understood the root of my anxiety and that I could move forward with her after trying so hard to improve myself. She even made me rethink my views on starting a family - something I was dead set against due to my own family experiences. I knew that she was the love of my life and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I know that sounds cliched, but I saved up enough money for a deposit on a house and was looking ahead to the future with her. So, I made the decision to tell her how I felt.

I called her to say that I still loved her and wanted to get back together. But she said that it’s been too long and that I hurt her a lot. She said that she has been dates with two other people since we broke up, one of which didn’t work out, and that she doesn’t feel the same way for me anymore. And she even said that things could never go back to the way they were because she has / is trying to move on with other people. But she also said that she really does care about me because we are so close and we were each others first real relationship. She said that she doesn’t actively have feelings for me (idk what that means) but wants to stay friends because I’m funny and attractive etc - she just isn’t attracted to me like that anymore and she said that she doesn’t want to give me false hope. I understand why, she wants a committed relationship and at the time I wasn’t providing that because of my abandonment issues. I told my therapist about the situation and she suggested the possibility of meeting each other again in person. So, I asked her and she said that she would feel awkward and that I’d be meeting her with an ulterior motive.

Since then it has been a week. I haven’t been able to sleep very well and I’ve cried a lot. We have talked about it a few times since, and whenever we would get into how she felt, the first thing she would often focus on was the fact that it was too late and that I hurt her, and I got the vibe that the stuff about moving on was secondary - but I don’t know if that’s actually the case. She also asked why I took so long to tell her how I felt. I said that I wanted to prove to her that I had changed and that if I had told her soon after it happened, she wouldn’t have believed that. But at the same time, we called a couple of days ago and she told me that she doesn’t know if it’s going to work out with the other guy (she didn’t say anything more than that). She also agreed with me that we can’t say for certain that we wouldn’t get back together again in the future but that she didn’t feel the same for me right now and not to hold onto that for hope. But she also says that she doesn’t want space from me because she likes me as a person. When I asked her about meeting up again after Christmas, she said that she’d think about it because it would “depend on where we were at” and that she would think about it closer to the time.

We talked on the phone last night and I told her that I wanted to be someone that she could depend on and that I just can’t move on because if I did then it wouldn’t have been real love and seeing her with someone else would hurt a lot. I said that I’d always be there for her because I loved her, and we both agreed that we could have worked through anything else if I got a hold of my anxiety sooner. She also said that she isn’t talking to anyone else at the moment either. I want to respect her feelings, but I desperately want her back because I didn’t want to leave in the first place and I’ve realised my faults and am actively trying to work on them.

I don’t know what to do - am I stupid for still believing that she might still have some feelings for me? Is there hope that she could change her mind about me like she did before, or do you think that her feelings are really gone like she says? If they are, then why does she still want me to be there without giving her space? Is she just keeping me there as a comfort blanket, or could she actually come around? Most importantly, how do I get her back?

Thank you for reading.