How can I get my ex back?

Hi everyone,

I (22M, UK) have suffered with anxiety since I was about 10 years old and I have an anxious attachment style towards relationships. Both of my parents abandoned me (dad left when I was 3 and my mum left when I was 18) and I now live with my grandmother.

I met my ex (20F) in 2020. We dated through the multiple lockdowns and during this time my anxiety got worse. When we had opportunities to see each other I flaked a couple of times because I got used to being indoors and driving an hour and a half to see her seemed to make me anxious even though it didn’t before. She couldn’t drive to me as she didn’t have a car until June 2021. When lockdown finally ended, we met up in the following August. I had a massive panic attack which led to me being physically sick and I wasn’t able to distinguish the panic attack from the environment I was in, so I broke up with her while in panic mode. We stayed friends since then.

In February 2022, I told her that I still loved her and that I wanted her back. I knew that I couldn’t let my anxiety get in the way. We met in a neutral location and had an amazing time. But for some reason, the anxiety was still there. She had never been to my hometown and I wanted to show her my life and get her to meet my family. But she said she wasn’t comfortable with that yet. The following week, my panic attacks came back and I had no idea why as I knew I had what I wanted. So I said that I wanted time to improve myself and put the right support in place so that I could give her my 100% and fully show her my best.

In the 9 months since then, we’ve stayed in contact every day and I’ve kept quiet about my feelings. I’ve tried 2 different types of therapy and I feel like I’ve gotten a better understanding of my triggers and why my anxiety was so bad and led to self-sabotaging behaviours. I also feel less anxious about things that used to really hinder me (social events and spending money) and made plans to try new things to really make sure the changes in my mindset stick.

So a month ago I told her that I still had feelings for her and was ready to fully commit to a relationship etc. I really do love her and want to grow and start a life with her. She even made me reevaluate my views on having children, something that I was dead against because of my own family experiences. She told me that her feelings weren’t as strong and that she just wanted to be friends because she had attempted to move on with 2 other guys but they didn’t work out. I asked if we could meet up as I was on a work business trip in her hometown at the time but she said that it would be awkward because she would feel like I was trying to show her that I had changed with the agenda of getting back together.

What I don’t understand is how she feels about things. I feel like she’s given me mixed signals. She said that she still loved me but not enough to try things again. I don’t blame her for that, but she also said things like she “can’t predict the future that we won’t get back together again” and “I still like you as a person and I still think you’re attractive but you hurt me”. I don’t quite get why she still talks to me and calls with me every day if those feelings aren’t there anymore. And when I told her I had changed, she said that she couldn’t see that I had changed - but she won’t give me the opportunity to show her, so I’m in a difficult position. She did however say that we could meet when things have “settled down”.

She knows that I do therapy and my situation with my parents. I’m really trying to better myself because I’ve never felt this way towards someone before and I know that I can be better now that I have my anxiety under control. Is there anything I can do to make things right with her? Surely maintaining a close relationship as friends is a step in the right direction, or is she just using me as a backup option / comfort blanket? Is there any chance that I could be with her again in the future?

Thanks in advance.